It’s finally time for…IVIG!

Today’s a huge day! But first let me catch you up on some major updates. About a month ago, I went and got some testing done to try to help support the insurance claim for the expensive medicine that is really hard to get approved. The tests showed many abnormalities and this doctor and the Yale Lyme specialist worked together to make a case to submit to my insurance***. To my surprise, it was approved 3 days later! The medicine is called IVIG which stands for intravenous immunoglobulin (often known as “liquid gold”) and it’s essentially a whole bunch of antibodies taken from 10,000 donors to fight what my immune system hasn’t been able to, particularly conditions with an autoimmune basis. I will be getting weekly infusions with a nurse at my house and have been told to expect flu-like symptoms and an excruciating headache after the infusions for several days. Then I might have a good day or two before my next infusion, and I’ll have weekly infusions for the foreseeable future. Basically, it sounds like my quality of life is about to go further downhill and that’s honestly pretty scary, but even local doctors here have wanted me to get IVIG for 4-5 years now so I’m also excited and very thankful for the opportunity.

Some sad news: I was actually supposed to get my first infusion at the beginning of June, but it’s been postponed because the second antibiotic (the weekly injection I talked about in my last update) has been causing headaches that have gotten progressively worse each week. Weeks 9 and 10 I had to stay in bed on pain meds everyday both weeks except Thursdays (the day before the next injection), and so I unfortunately had to stop that antibiotic before I could start the IVIG because the headache side effects from both are pretty brutal and IVIG is more essential for me. If you know me well, you could probably guess I was pretty bummed to not be able to “stick with the plan that is best for potential improvement” and continue antibiotic treatment during IVIG (like I wasn’t tough enough or something). Trusting my doctor with this one…

TODAY is the day! Today I have my first infusion which is a trial dose 4-6 PM and if it goes well, I will finish the rest of the dose (double what I get Friday) either Saturday or Sunday before starting weekly full doses. If you pray, here are few things I’m particularly worried about:

• I’m really scared about side effects, particularly the most common one which is a severe headache. I just honestly can’t imagine my headaches getting any worse and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to tolerate that. Please also pray for wisdom in what medicine to take for these headaches and that something that I have will work to at least take the edge off.
• Honestly, I’m pretty weary and feel about 2% ready to start a medicine that will make me feel much sicker than I currently am (I guess 6 brain surgeries since 2015 will do that to ya ;) . I’ve been told it’ll be at least 3 months of weekly infusions until I see any improvement at all and even then, I’ll be so sick from the medicine that it’ll be hard to look back and see improvements from my current baseline. Please pray for encouragement, endurance, and hope and trust in the Lord.
• Please pray for my home health nurse, Tonya. Over the phone, she seems very caring and told me she has done nursing in various settings, but I’m pretty sure I might be her first patient getting an IVIG infusion which is pretty concerning to me (and she knows nothing about my health situation/history, etc at this point).
• Please pray I can tolerate IVIG, it starts working, and God uses it to start to heal my body and mind in significant ways!

***A quick note to the people who donated to my GoFundMe last summer or anyone interested in why I’m traveling to see doctors and paying them out of pocket for really expensive appointments and tests with the money you have given. These specialists aren’t contracted with any insurance and see 1-3 patients in a full work day. They get paid far more per patient but see far fewer patients and then have the time outside of appointments to fight for insurance coverage for medicine we need (and do additional research for our cases, lobby for change in how Lyme is tested/diagnosed, etc) during the work day. My local doctors here are amazing and have told me they have up to 22 patients a day and most of the time are responding to my messages to them late at night – I got a message yesterday at 11:37 PM from a Duke doctor answering a really important question for me. They don’t have time to deal with insurance companies directly even though my local doctors have been telling me for years that I need IVIG to have any chance of significantly improving. I just want to THANK YOU again for donating so generously for this opportunity to see these specialists and therefore get this medicine. I really can’t even begin to communicate how big of a deal it is that I’m getting IVIG! There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not truly grateful for all the people who care and pray for me, particularly through this wild health saga.

Thank you to everyone who has brought me meals, prayed for me, visited and have thought of creative ways to love me well.

If you’re local, currently the best way to help practically is with a meal. Here’s the link: https://mealtrain.com/o37n7d

Kelly and I having fun and staying safe on our roadtrip!

Grace and peace,

Alison

Done with round 1, onto round 2!

Thank you to all who prayed, sent messages, and expressed care over the past 2 weeks for my appointment on 3/25/20! I am really grateful for everyone who is walking through this with me however they can right now. Thank you also for your patience in my lack of response to how the appointment went. While the appointment was only 32 minutes over the phone in my house, it was really overwhelming and took nearly a week to recover from. As I mentioned in my last update, certain symptoms seemed to be progressing over the past couple months and the doctor thinks that these are side effects of the antibiotics I’ve been taking since August. He thinks these two oral antibiotics have done their job and it’s time for round 2 of treatment! I’m now switching to a shot once a week which is another antibiotic, but really excited for the “once a week” and “shot” aspects compared to the 4x/day oral antibiotics so that my stomach can recover and hopefully I can enjoy food again soon. I’m so thankful to the Lord for being able to tolerate those antibiotics as long as I did. That was a huge prayer request from day 1 and I’m really grateful for all of you who prayed for this specifically!

I did my first injection on Friday and had an excruciating headache that night and through the weekend before I got any relief. Would you please pray that my body would tolerate this antibiotic well and that it would work to kill a different form of Lyme as it is intended to do? Would you please pray against side effects, particularly headaches that feel nearly intolerable? My doctor said that for about 50% of people this antibiotic makes an incredible impact because it’s a very low dose of penicillin and so the body doesn’t recognize it and become resistant to it like other types of antibiotics. Anyways, would you please pray that I’m in that 50% and can see some improvement in the next few months?

As for the really expensive/hard to get approved medicine that this doctor thinks is necessary for me to get significantly better…he doesn’t think that I currently don’t have enough “medical evidence” to make a case for my insurance to approve it. He is referring me to a doctor in NYC when all things Covid-19 get to a point where we can safely travel again for a test that he is pretty sure will come back positive and be the last piece of evidence we need to get my insurance to approve this medicine. This doctor thinks I’ll need to be on this medicine for 2 years and so the waiting to even get a test that may or may not come back positive, all while I’m really sick and nearly housebound is really difficult. Would you please pray against discouragement, loneliness, and despair? And for some improvement with this antibiotic change in the coming months? For less time stuck in my bed in pretty intolerable pain even so I can spend more time downstairs in my home?

Thank you again to everyone who has followed up and asked how this appointment went. I have very little energy and even responding to text messages is usually very draining most days. Thankful for friends sticking with me through all of this and while I know it’s so frustrating to have to stay home during Covid-19 (and the dramatic loss and suffering so many people are experiencing), the pace of life lately feels like it has slowed down to a point I can participate even a little bit more (whether it’s watching church on my computer like everyone else is doing right now or going on a short “socially distanced approved” walk/picnic) and for these good gifts in this tough season, I’m particularly grateful.

Update and Appointment Tomorrow!

Hi friends,

I wanted to let you know that I have a phone appointment tomorrow, Wednesday 3/25 at 12:00 PM with the Yale neurologist who specializes in Lyme disease. If you’re someone who prays, would you mind praying for this appointment?

It’s hard for me to admit, but several of my main symptoms have gotten worse instead of better over the past few months. I’m able to do less things outside of the house, spending more time in bed, engaging with fewer people, etc – and not because I’m quarantined from Covid-19! It’s been strange to realize that my daily life hasn’t changed at all since social distancing started…i.e. my current “lifestyle” the past few months is nearly “quarantine except for mandatory doctors’ appointments.” How strange is that?! All of this has made me realize it might be time to check in with my doctor.

Here are a few ways you can pray for my appointment tomorrow:

• for me to feel well enough physically to be able to communicate what I need to in a short time frame over the phone
• for God to really help the doctor to see and understand a clear picture of what’s happening in my body, what my days are like, and that he would adjust treatment accordingly
• for the doctor to see that my case is worth fighting a difficult battle with insurance to get the medication approved (and quickly!)
• for grace to trust and rest in the Lord. At times, it feels like this doctor might hold the only chance of physical improvement for me and this depends on a couple decisions he makes. That is really scary! God has been sweet to remind me of both His goodness and sovereignty and I’m doing my best to continually cast these cares on Him when I’m worried, knowing that He cares for me! 1 Peter 5:7

Thank you again for reading, caring, giving financially, bringing meals, and praying for me. As you may be realizing as we are all “social distancing” now, being alone unable to leave home for days on end can be quite maddening! I’m so grateful for each person who has come alongside me in this journey when I am well aware that everyone has hard things going on in your own lives. My favorite counseling professor once said, “if you haven’t suffered, you just haven’t lived long enough yet” and I’ve found the community of suffering to be one of my biggest comforts. If there are ways I can pray for you or your family, I’d love to hear them – my email is alison.singewald@gmail.com

Because He is worthy,

Alison

Update: the Lyme-killing plan!

Hi friends!

I’m finally writing this long overdue update! My last appointment on 10/30 went really well, but it took me quite a while to process it myself before I was up for sharing with others and this treatment has made writing an update pretty tough. All that to say, thank you for your patience with me, for your prayers, and for continuing to care about me and following my health saga! At this appointment, the doctor laid out the entire plan for my course of treatment, explained my diagnoses in much more detail, and gave me literally as much time as I needed in the clinic with him. He is brilliant, so kind, patient, and just really deeply cares about his patients. He even drew my blood himself for labs!

Treatment plan: At this point, the doctor thinks there will be 3 phases of treatment for me. Phase 1 is two antibiotics to primarily target Bartonella and one will also work on Lyme; I started these meds 8/7/19 but only have been on the effective dose of the Bartonella antibiotic since 10/27/19. Like I said in the last update, these two antibiotics have been super rough on my body and I’ve been doing my best to take care of my body in this season. While these antibiotics seem to have helped the headaches that have been really debilitating to me in the past several years, I’ve started to get migraines almost daily instead. Like I said in the last update, this is part of a herxheimer reaction, or a reaction to the Lyme/Bartonella dying. I also get fevers and heart palpitations that come in waves with the migraines. It hasn’t been fun but I have two friends who have gone through treatment with this doctor and both of them have given me so much hope. They’ve encouraged me to keep persevering, keep stringing days of taking these meds together, that it’s all so worth it. Their lives look relatively normal now and it’s hard to believe they were once so sick, too. A huge answer to prayer that I asked y’all to pray for in the last update was that my body would tolerate these antibiotics and I’ve been able to stay on them which is a big deal! Part 2 of the plan is switching from these antibiotics to another type, which I’ve heard is more tolerable and will work to kill a different form of Lyme than the ones I’m on now. Part 3 is the biggest and most important part of my treatment. It’s a medicine that is really expensive and hard to get approved by insurance and my doctor thinks this medicine is necessary for me to significantly improve. Would you please pray that 1) my insurance approves it? 2) And in a timely manner?

The doctor also made it very clear that I’m at the beginning of treatment for Lyme and Bartonella, and kindly encouraged me to “settle in” for the long-haul of this treatment plan, likely 2-4+ years. This was definitely hard for me to hear and quite shocking. He gave me his personal email and said that I’m really too sick to be traveling, even to doctors’ offices. He suggested instead of making a follow-up appointment, that we should correspond over email and he hopes to not have me make another trip until I’m a decent bit better and traveling is much easier on my body. Did I mention how kind he is?!

Thank you to all who have given and shared the GoFundMe page! You have made it possible for me to get some answers I’ve so desperately needed and begin to experience some physical improvement which has been really encouraging and hope-giving. I’m so humbled by every person who has prayed, cared, read the updates, and/or given to make this possible. At this time, the money that has been raised so far will provide for costs for the next year; however, I now know that this is a longer journey than I initially anticipated and that I’m just at the beginning of it. It’s hard to predict at this moment the financial needs of the future because 2 years of treatment would be very different than 4, and as always, I want to be a wise steward of the money you have given. Because of that, I’ve decided to transition from this GoFundMe to a blog where I will continue to write updates on my progress in my treatment and ways you can pray and/or help. Would you please take a minute to look on the top right hand side of the homepage for a “Count me in” button? Would you please click this button and enter your email so that you will continue to receive updates on my Lyme treatment? Thanks so much for your prayers and continued support.

A way to help: I am unable to cook dinners for myself. Thank you to all who have made food for me! I can’t even begin to tell you what a blessing these meals have been. Here is the link to my meal train if this is a way you can help: Alison’s Meal Train

December thoughts: As I took some time to process all that I learned at this appointment, I realized that while I’ve known there’s absolutely no way I could work any job since the day I went on FMLA 6/17, it’s been hard for me to see rest and caring for my body as worthy tasks for a day. I’ve thought a lot about what it really meant for Jesus as fully God to come to earth in a human body, full of limitations…what it might have been like for Him as God to know he could heal all of the people who were sick and in need, but being fully human meant living within limitations and He only healed some. I’ve thought a lot about intention and motivation and how God sees and cares about these things deeply – the things other people might never see or know about. It’s brought me so much comfort to know that God sees and understands what’s happening in my body even more than I do…He knows how much time and effort even the most basic tasks take. I don’t know how this story ends for me, but God does and He’s good and worthy. Isolation from people has been hard, but fellowship with Him has been sweet.

So thankful, Alison

How we got to…Lyme!

In July 2019, my PCP ran a bunch of tests because after 4 years of diagnoses, surgeries, and all kinds of treatment, my health continued to consistently decline. The test came back positive for Lyme disease and she referred me to a specialist. I got an appointment with a Yale neurologist who specializes in Lyme and related conditions two weeks later and started a GoFundMe page because this specialist is out of network with all insurance, as most Lyme doctors are. Many people responded in support of helping me get the answers I so desperately needed and gave financially, helped me with meals, prayed for me, and it really meant so much to have so many people care. I was diagnosed with both acute and chronic Lyme disease and Bartonella, a co-infection and am 5+ months into treatment. I am closing the GoFundMe now that the initial costs for the next year have been covered and will continue to posts updates on my treatment and ways you can pray and help on this old blog :) My doctor laid out a 3 part treatment plan, but I don’t know if it will take me 2 years to recover, 4 years, or even longer than that – but this doctor thinks that if I can get the treatment I need, I will significantly improve. I don’t know how much treatment will cost depending on what treatment entails and how long I need to be in treatment, but I will do my best to steward the money that remains in a wise way and keep you updated. I’m so thankful for all of your love, prayers, and support and I’m thrilled to be seeing some slight improvement already.

Why 2015 was the worst and 3 things I learned along the way

If you follow me on social media, you have probably figured out that 2015 was pretty much a train wreck for me. I got ecoli. I got pneumonia. I partially tore my achilles. I was hospitalized 5 times and had 3 surgeries. The counseling job that I had in Chicago was a great experience, but didn’t work out as planned. I moved back to North Carolina (which I love) and it became apparent my health needed a lot more attention than I had been willing to give it previously.

Every time I stood up, the room started to go black. After merely sitting up for 2-3 hours, I needed to lie down and recover. My resting heart rate would get up to 160 when I was standing (normal is 68) and I often felt like I was having a panic attack – except that I wasn’t anxious about anything (side note: so much empathy for those of you who have physical symptoms of anxiety!) I was quickly diagnosed with a severe form of POTS, a chronic heart condition. I couldn’t believe that the body that I had relied on to run several half marathons was now unreliable to walk into the grocery store. What was happening? When did this become my life?

Around that same time, the constant headache that I had for 2 ½ years from Chiari Malformation (a brain malformation that causes severe and chronic symptoms) became intolerable. I spent 2-4 days each week alone, in a dark room, on hardcore drugs, and just in an indescribable amount of pain. MRIs this summer showed that that malformation in my brain was causing a blockage in my spinal cord and it became clear that it was time for brain surgery. I had chiari decompression brain surgery in November, and had a lot of time to lie in bed and think (contrary to popular belief, Netflix binge-watching can even get a little old). I laid in bed wondering what God might be up to and at times felt crushed by the sadness of what my life has been like this year. But in the midst of these circumstances, there have been a few things that I’ve learned:

1) I know that God is up to something that I can’t see and I can’t figure out. Tullian Tchividjian explains my thoughts in such an articulate way:

“It’s totally natural to ask “why?” when we are going through the crucible of ache. Why me? Why now? Why him? Why her? Why this? But I’ve discovered that asking “why?” assumes information has the power to heal. If I just knew why the suffering is happening, we conclude, the pain would be easier to endure. I’ve learned, however, that information can’t mend a wounded heart. The truth is we may never fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives. We may never find the right answers to how we’ll dig ourselves out. There may not be any silver lining – especially not in the ways we’d like. But we don’t need answers as much as we need God’s presence in and through the suffering itself. Explanations, I’ve learned, are often a substitute for trust.”

2) Christmas this year meant something completely new to me. I just can’t fathom the love that God has for us that he would send his Son to live in this awful world full of suffering. The fact that Jesus came and walked this earth and experienced such deep emotional and physical pain; the irony of Jesus’ incarnation and suffering on earth as I was in so much physical pain around Christmas wasn’t lost on me this year. “Long desired behold him come, finding here his humble home.”

3) I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future with my health (or with the rest of my life), but even if I suffer my entire life and never reach any goals or have any of my desires fulfilled, I have come to believe most days that in comparison to knowing Christ and being found in Him, I’ve lost nothing. So, if my circumstances never improve (which I obviously hope and pray that they will), I have still won – and not only that, but I haven’t really lost a single thing because heaven’s never-ending joys are going to be incomparable to the greatest joy that the person with the best life on this earth could ever have.

And lastly, a quick health update. My head has definitely improved after the chiari decompression surgery in November; I am thankful! However, there seem to be two more problems with my brain that possibly need some sort of intervention/surgery to try and improve the pain that I’m still experiencing. I’m in the process of getting some more tests done and going out of state again to see some specialists that are for other #chronicallyrare #chronicallyfabulous people like me :)

And one more thing. I guess this can be #4. I am oh so thankful that my faith rests entirely upon Christ and not myself. All of my hope is in His ability to keep me and not my ability to muster up faith when mine seems to be lacking. There have been many days (weeks and months even) that I have felt like my faith is failing. I’m often too weary to pray, too exhausted to read the Bible, and in too much pain to go to church. When I’m too physically, emotionally, and spiritually tanked to pursue the Lord, my full confidence rests in the truth that He is the one who pursues me. He is the one who meets me on the couch, right where I’m at, in the midst of however I’m feeling (and He gives good gifts like hulu plus, now even without commercials). All of my hope is in Him. “If we are faithless, He remains faithful – for He cannot deny Himself.” 2 Timothy 2:13

Thank you for your love, prayers, and support.

 

 

That night in February 2013: the beginning [a glimpse into my experience of chronic pain]

“You have only had a headache for 3 months. It’s just a headache.”

I remember one night in February 2013 specifically. I was sitting on stage in my church for Tuesday night worship practice. The lights were bright and I took my place at the music stand designated for the violin, right in front of the drum set and the electric guitar. I had a constant headache for three months now. Despite the continual pain that I was in, I decided that day that I could no longer lie in bed by myself in a dark room watching Netflix and waiting for relief. Life continued on, I was tired of not participating in it, and I wasn’t getting any better. So that night I stood on stage and attempted to get through my violin parts in the worship set. My head pounded relentlessly (I could say the same thing about the drums two feet behind me). I squinted to see my music beneath my sunglasses because the lights were still too bright for me to handle. And tears started to stream down my face. I guess this was my life now.

I looked down into my violin case and slid out a booklet on chronic pain that I read about a year ago for a counseling class. As I skimmed through it between songs, my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. I remember thinking; “You have only had a headache for 3 months. It’s just a headache. You don’t fall into the categories that you’re reading about of people who deal with real chronic pain. People live entire lives with fibromyalgia, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, lyme disease, and countless other conditions that affect every aspect of their lives every single day. You have kept your job. You haven’t had to drop out of graduate school. You have roommates who watch Netflix and eat ice cream with you in your bed on Friday nights when you feel like you are missing out on all of the fun parts of life. You have still been able to counsel several people each week and share truths with them about the character of God in the midst of suffering that are deeper and more relevant to you in this season than the women you counsel could ever guess. Things could be so much worse. God has been so merciful to you.”

It has been a long time since this night in February 2013. A long journey. A journey I feel like God is calling me to start writing about. God has been with me. He has been faithful. And life has gotten infinitely harder than I would ever have imagined that it would on that night on stage at my church when I read about people with chronic pain and thanked God that I was not one of them.

See ya later Chicago, Carolina you keep calling me home

North Carolina, I’m back!

Here are the basics: I moved to Chicago for a counseling job about a year ago, the job didn’t work out as planned, and so I’m back. I could tell you a lot about my time in Chicago, and in due time I probably will (I have a feeling that I will be learning from the last 12 months for years to come). But for now, I have more questions than answers, and so I will leave you with the little I know:

I’m looking for a job and place to live. I’m open to any type of job, but the underwater scuba diving circus member suggestion from one of my friends is currently the front-runner. In the near future, I’m probably going to start either working towards my LPC (counseling licensure) or my PhD in counseling. Both are on my bucket list, but for now I’m looking forward to a season of having my own room and a job that pays the bills (it’s been a year since I’ve had either of these things!). If you have any ideas for a job or a place to live, please let me know. (Also, I’m really thankful for the people who have offered to let me stay with them temporarily!)

It’s good to be back in North Carolina. The sky is blue, there is so much green, and there’s just something about this sunny, 80 degree weather that makes my solar-powered self continually happy. And the people? They are some of the best. I’ve loved catching up with some of my friends here and especially enjoyed going to the North Wake women’s retreat in the mountains this past weekend. Here are a few friends I got to catch up with this weekend:

           

Thanks for journeying with me. Excited about this next adventure.

A DIFFERENT TAKE ON GETHSEMANE [THE SORROWFUL SAVIOR COMFORTS BROKEN HEARTS]

“Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, ‘Sit here, while I go over there and pray.’ And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, ‘My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.’ And going a little farther, he fell on his face and prayed, saying, ‘my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will…” Matthew 26:36-39

I love how the Jesus Storybook Bible interprets this passage:

“Jesus walked ahead alone, into the dark. ‘Papa, Father, is there any other way?’ Violent sobs shook Jesus’ whole body.”

I also love how Jesus uses the words “sorrowful and troubled” and then repeats those very same words again in the next verse (because when you are suffering, sometimes all you can do is say how much it hurts over and over again).

I understand this Jesus. I know what it is like to feel emotionally crushed. Recently, I have sobbed violently in a way that shook my whole body (and actually tore a hole in my spinal cord as well. Awesome).

You might remember how this story ends. After pouring out His heart to the Father, Jesus submits in obedience to whatever suffering is in God’s plan for Him by praying, “not my will, but yours.”

But what if you are not quite ready to pray that prayer? What if your heart has been crushed and “violent sobs shake your whole body?” What if you just found out that you have cancer, that you can’t have children, that you lost your job? What if you can’t honestly utter the words, “not my will, but yours” yet? Then what?

I think that the fact that Jesus’ heart was breaking has just as many implications for us as his prayer at the end of this passage. In the midst of suffering, perhaps instead of trying to muster up the holiness to pray, “not my will but yours,” we should just sit on our couches with our crushed dreams and broken bodies and realize that Jesus is sitting with us and He also experienced devastating turmoil. God comforts us by showing us that Jesus’ heart was also broken. Because sometimes in the midst of our suffering, knowing that He has also suffered is enough. Rest in the comfort that His suffering brings. And after experiencing His comfort and fellowship, I’ve realized that eventually He gives me grace to honestly pray, “not my will, but Yours.”

Navigating Conflict in a Christ-Like Manner During the Holidays

For most people, Christmas is a joyous season. Some even call it their absolute favorite time of year. We bake and decorate Christmas cookies, enjoy the smell of real Christmas trees, reminisce as we put up ornaments, hang stockings, sit by the fire, and watch our favorite Christmas movies (Elf and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, anyone?!). I mean, the Starbucks cups even turn red. Some people are so eager to begin the holiday season that they begin playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving (which I am adamantly against for the record. Too eager and too far.) But you get the point. People love the holiday season.

Before I continue with this post, I want you to know that I am aware that the Christmas season isn’t joyous and full of good memories for everyone. I know that some of you may wish you could have gone to sleep the day before Thanksgiving and wake up on January 1st. I get that. For many people, the holiday season reminds them of what might have been or of something or someone that they have lost – a baby, a parent, a job, a relationship, a spouse, etc. If you fall into the “holiday season is not my favorite” category, I want to know that these principles about conflict are applicable in any close relationship at any time of the year: conflict with family, friends, roommates, etc.

Okay so back to the holidays. Here’s another major aspect of this season: family members often travel great distances to be together. Great, right? Sure. Mostly. For a lot of families, time together is a sweet blessing. However, there is inevitably conflict. There is that cousin who rubs you the wrong way. That uncle who chides you for your Christian faith. That grandpa who asks you why a pretty girl like you is still single. That aunt who asks you why you have graduated from college but still have no idea what you want to do with your life. And these are just the people in your extended family. What about the marital tension that escalates between a husband and wife who are hosting 5 additional houseguests for a week? And relational conflicts with the in-laws? Must I say more about that one?

The holiday season is great, but conflict is inevitable. So how do you approach reconciliation-focused conversations after a conflict in a Christ-like manner? This is so important because the holiday season consists of close contact, close relationships, and close spaces.

Biblical Principles to Approaching Reconciliation After an Argument:

• Approach the conversation like you are the greater sinner in the situation. 1 Timothy 1:15 says, “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.” After a conflict, argument, or fight, do you really believe that you’re the bigger sinner in the situation? Do you approach conflict resolution with the same attitude that Paul does? Could you imagine what it might be like if a husband and wife had a fight and both of them came together with the attitude that they were the greater sinner in the situation? If you are hurt and honestly are having a hard time seeing any of your sin in the situation, spend some intentional time prayerfully before the Lord begging him to show you your sin and honestly examine your heart. In conflict, one person is rarely if ever not at fault in some way. Note: I am talking about arguments and conflict – not abuse.
• Take the humble position. Conflicts escalate because of lack of humility. One person offends another and then the other person retaliates. The cycle continues and escalates until usually both parties are hurt and have hurt the other person. Conversations of reconciliation are almost an “undoing” of this escalation – instead of talking over each other in a heated manner, humility looks like being slower to speak and quicker to listen to the other person. Humility means being teachable and considering what you can learn from the conflict. Remember Christ’s humility even when He was the one who was hurt and wronged. Consider what His response was in the midst of His pain and seek to be like Him: “He was oppressed and afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth.” (Isaiah 53:7) 1 Peter 2:23 says, “When they hurled their insults at Him, He did not retaliate; when He suffered, He made no threats. Instead, He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly.”
• Reject the temptation to vindicate yourself. This one is often the most difficult for many of us because we like to be right, we like others to know that we are right, and we can usually replay the conflict in our heads in a way that convinces ourselves that we are right. Our desires to be right, without fault, and our yearning to vindicate ourselves will never lead to reconciliation but only to the escalation of the argument. This type of pride will have some significant practical implications, such as the destruction of the relationship, but there are even more serious biblical concerns. The Scriptures are clear that we are not the ones to vindicate ourselves, but that it is the Lord who vindicates us. In addition, God has never told us to count on our own track record of acting rightly. That would have ending badly for us a long time ago. Psalm 35:24 says, “Vindicate me, O Lord, according to Your righteousness.”(note: Your righteousness…not ours). So why do we feel the need to vindicate ourselves and to be right and without fault in conflict? Why is it so important to you that you are right and that the other person is wrong? Why is it so important to me?What would you be losing if you let go of your need to be right? What might you gain?Might there be some freedom God wants to give you this holiday season?

At the end of the day and in every single argument and conflict, it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong. That’s not what it’s about. It doesn’t even matter who is “more right” or “more wrong.” Reconciliation is about extending grace and forgiveness. In relationships, you are going to inevitably hurt each other again and again and you will just cause further damage to both your relationship with the person and your relationship with God if you try to keep some sort of tally in your head of who was “more right” each time you have a conflict. What would it look like in your relationships to let go of your need to prove that you acted rightly? How would this affect how you speak and how you listen to the other person after a conflict? How would this affect the tone of voice that you use in your conversation after a conflict? 

The gospel is not about being right. It’s about Christ who was always right so that we have the freedom to never have to prove that we are right.